Don’t Be One of These Guys

Last week, I had a couple of long conversations with former work colleagues about people we worked with decades ago — when I had a real job. Naturally, we dished about old times and colleagues, and in those conversations, I found material describing the behaviors of six different work colleagues. These colleagues weren’t duplicitous or toxic. They were, however, unproductive, and blog-worthy.

Why should you read this blog? Simple: It will help you recognize the unproductive types that hold back companies so you can avoid hiring them or avoid morphing into one of them. To help you remember each type, I’ve given them names.

Lee

This first character is named after one of the seven gunfighters recruited to fight Caldera and his men in the movie The Magnificent Seven. Lee looks great; he talks the talk but can’t walk the walk.

He’s all hat, no cattle. Lee suffers from impostor syndrome. The voice in his head tells him he isn’t good enough. He attempts to cover it by looking and talking like a gunfighter.

The office version of Lee is often the exceptionally well-dressed guy. He wears a Rolex, drives a Bimmer and signs all documents in green ink with his Mont Blanc pen. Just because someone looks like Thomas Crown doesn’t mean they perform like Thomas Crown. He needs help, if someone like Lee works for you, find him a coach to work with.

Don

I worked with this guy for a decade. He frustrated everyone in the office. He was known as “The Most Officious Man in the World.” Do you know someone like him?

He has memorized the employee handbook and follows every rule, parses every sentence of every email he sends, keeps his direct reports on a short leash and never ventures outside his comfort zone.

When Patrick Lencioni wrote about people who pursue certainty over clarity, he had Don in mind. He plods along in first gear and slows down every project his team works on.

Mike, the Protected Species

You’ve heard the excuses, “They won’t fire him, he’s been friends with the CEO since first grade.” Or “His wife and the CEO’s wife were sorority sisters, and they’re still close friends.”

He’s a protected species, the corporate equivalent of the snail darter. Though his performance diminishes as the company surges, his protector won’t cut him loose until the company is circling the drain. The worst part is that he knows he’s not cutting it. He hates his job, yet he doesn’t have the courage to move on. It was about people like Mike that Jack Welch said, “Protecting underperformers always backfires.”

Mr. Nice Guy

Is there a Mr. Nice Guy in your company? Is his lousy performance being forgiven because he’s so darn nice?

An insightful sales consultant told me that the Mr. Nice Guys of the world know they’re not productive, and being nice is the strategy they employ to keep their jobs. I knew of a case where Mr. Nice Guy would bring ice cream to the office one afternoon a week. He was buying ice cream when he should have been prospecting and closing sales. The nice guy act brought him years of job security despite subpar performance. And once he was fired, his nice guy image bought him a decent severance package.

Alan

I’ve named this guy Alan. He’s a real-life version of Alan Garner, the totally dysfunctional brother-in-law played by Zach Galifianakis in the movie The Hangover.

There are Alans in too many companies. He’s an idiot, everyone knows he’s an idiot, and yet he endures. He screws up time and again, and survives to screw up another day. If you have an Alan in your company, your best option is to help him find a new job with a competitor, even if he’s a relative of yours.

David

There are a few readers of my blog who will recognize this guy in a heartbeat. His self-regard is sky high, and his reality-testing abilities are abysmal.

When the producers of the TV comedy Modern Family were developing the character of Phil Dunphy, they must have had David in mind. When he opens his mouth, stupid stuff comes out and yet he’s clueless.

If you have a David in your company, he does serious damage to your brand. People wonder why you tolerate his idiocy. Like the character of Alan, David needs to be working for your competitor.

Painful Consequences 

I encountered all six of these unproductive work colleagues during my decades in the workforce. Though all were men, women are not immune to being useless characters like these.

Keep in mind that lack of productivity isn’t the only cost of having them on the payroll. An unintended consequence is the damage they do to the reputation of the people they work for. When leaders suffer a failure of nerve and fail to confront, they weaken their entire team. Their failure to act rewards the unproductive and punishes productive team members.

I’m sure there are other characters that I’ve overlooked. Feel free to reply and add your nominees to the list.

Follow me on LinkedIn to get my next post in your feed. 

(Actor Robert Vaughn, pictured above, played the role of Lee in the 1960 American Western film “The Magnificent Seven.”)