Leaders and “Failure of Nerve”

I’m reading Edwin H. Friedman’s book, “A Failure of Nerve.” It’s a book on leadership and though it’s not an easy read, I’ve gotten a lot out of it and picked up a number of pearls to share with my groups and executive coaching clients.

Friedman had three careers rolled into one. He was a rabbi with a congregation in Bethesda, MD; he was also a family therapist and a consultant who advised church groups on congregational leadership. He had an extraordinary understanding of what makes leaders effective in both healthy and dysfunctional environments.

I was half way through the book last month when the stuff hit the fan regarding the bullying incident involving two Miami Dolphin football players. The more I read about what went on the Dolphin’s locker room, the more I was convinced that this was a prime example of a leader not standing up to the most dysfunctional member of his team. It reminded me of a quote in Dr. Friedman’s book:

“In any type of institution whatsoever, when a self-directed, imaginative, energetic, or creative member is being consistently frustrated and sabotaged rather than encouraged and supported, what will turn out to be true 100% of the time, regardless of whether the disruptors are supervisors, subordinates, or peers, is that the person at the very top of the institution is a peace-monger. By that I mean a highly anxious risk-avoider, someone who is more concerned with good feelings than with progress, someone whose life revolves around the axis of consensus, a ‘middler,’ someone who is so incapable of taking well-defined stands that his “disability” seems to be genetic, someone who functions as if she has been filleted of her backbone, someone who treats conflict or anxiety like mustard gas – one whiff, on goes the emotional gas mask, and he flits. Such leaders are often ‘nice,’ if not charming.”

Strong words for sure, and accurate. Two thoughts hit me the very first time I read this quote:

• First, weak leaders tend to be appeasers. Not only do they tolerate the bad behavior of the most dysfunctional members of the group, they placate and thus, encourage the bad behavior of these misfits.
• Second, weak leaders hope that by appeasing bad behavior, they will be more popular. In fact, the outcome is the opposite of what they intended; placating bad behavior leads to lost respect and a decline in popularity.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s a simple lesson, so logical and yet tough for leaders to live by.