On Leaning In and Being Bossy
The only shoes I’ve ever walked in are my own. And though I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman in a leadership position, I have coached a good number of women — CEOs, business owners and other leaders who juggle work and family responsibilities along with accusations that they are bossy. So, I’m feeling marginally qualified to opine on the subject of bossy bosses. This is a hot topic of late due to the success of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s book, “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead,” and the “Ban Bossy” campaign organized by Ms. Sandberg’s foundation, LeanIn.org.
I won’t comment on societal biases and the perceived differences in how women and men are expected to behave — that’s for the experts to explore. Instead, I’ll put on my coaching hat and discuss the two paths we would travel during one-to-one coaching sessions with a client who wants to discuss bossy bosses. The first explores how we identify bosses who are bossy and the second looks at what to do with false accusations of being bossy.
Path 1: Balancing three EQ-i competencies.
“Bossy,” and its pejorative cousin “bitch,” are snarky synonyms for “assertive.” Leaders with high assertiveness scores are capable of finding the right words at the right time to express their thoughts and feelings without expressing inappropriate emotions. They are able to defend their rights and express their feelings, beliefs and thoughts in a nondestructive manner. Assertiveness is a prerequisite for effective leadership. It is the center point on a continuum between passive and aggressive. Passive leaders are weak, while aggressive leaders can be abusive or bossy.
- Impulse control is another competency of an emotionally intelligent leader. Leaders with low impulse control are easily distracted and constantly interrupt; talking to them is like talking to a machine gun. High assertiveness coupled with low impulse control can be a toxic combination and may indeed earn a leader a pair of bossy pants.
- Empathy is social radar. It’s the competency that allows us to pick up on the nonverbal cues of others. Leaders use empathy to “match their words with their music.” They know when to take it up a notch and when to back off to be heard.
An effective coach will work with a client to get assertiveness, impulse control and empathy in balance. Leaders who keep these three competencies balanced generally avoid the bossy label.
Path 2: Choosing not to care.
If a man isn’t comfortable in his own skin, he may have trouble interacting with a woman and may react by calling her bossy or using that other pejorative synonym mentioned earlier. Women in leadership positions can’t change the behavior of others, and they can’t change how others will react to them. They can only hold up a mirror and help them see what they’re missing.
I’ve done thousands of hours of one-to-one coaching sessions and hundreds of emotional intelligence assessments, and I’m confident that I can help women (and men) find the right words and the right tone to interact effectively with others without being called the “b-word.” And yet, they can’t account for the emotional intelligence of their colleagues.
If someone chooses to ignore feedback and overreacts by calling his or her female boss names, there’s nothing she can do about it. It takes courage to not play the victim in these circumstances; it’s safer and easier to blame her for being bossy. The good news is that people can’t get under our skin unless we let them. As someone once told me, letting the comments of others get to you is like letting them build an apartment in your head and live there rent free.
There must be dozens of stories out there about bossy bosses, high in assertiveness and low in impulse control and empathy. And there must be an equal number of stories about clueless people who are better at name calling than accepting feedback.
Have a story to share? Let’s hear it.
Props to my fellow executive coach and emotionally intelligent pal Carroll Nelligan for suggestions that helped me shape this blog.
