Three Fierce Ideas
I began my career as an executive coach in 2002. Vistage International (then called “The Executive Committee” or “TEC”) recruited me to be one of the independent contractors they licensed to coach and facilitate a CEO peer group. I was a member of the Vistage tribe for nine years; during that time, I logged about 2,500 hours of one-on-one coaching with my members. I can say a lot of good things about Vistage, and at the top of the list is what a great job they did training me to facilitate my groups and coach my members.
In the spring of 2002, one of the tools used in the executive coach training was the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. Susan had been a TEC chair for 13 years prior to publishing this book and dedicated it to her fellow TEC chairs. I read the book twice cover to cover as I began coaching and participated in a workshop she hosted in the fall of 2002. I give a lot of credit to Susan and her book for helping me to get fierce and coach at a high lever from early on.
I was thumbing through her book last week and revisited three topics Susan stressed in her training that I think are blog-worthy.
1. “Let your silence do your heavy lifting.”
Why are so many of us uncomfortable with silence? Why is it hard to say what we need to say and then just be quiet? Being silent and waiting for a response is a tactic that all good coaches use. We learn a lot in the quiet, watching and listening for verbal and nonverbal cues.
2. “All conversations are with myself.”
All of the really important conversations are indeed with ourselves, even though there are other people in the room. How often do we say what we say to curry favor, convince ourselves or boost our low self-regard? I am reminded of this every time I hear someone who has critical things to say about others and wonder of what they trying to convince themselves.
3. “The conversation is the relationship.”
This is a big idea. Relationships deteriorate for lack of conversation about the very issues we work so diligently to avoid. When conversation is guarded or we avoid the real issues, the relationship deteriorates. It’s true in marriages, interactions with peers and work groups. I learned this lesson the hard way and lost a couple jobs in the process.
The first of these three topics—letting silence do your heavy lifting—is the easiest of the three to master because it’s about doing.
In contrast, the other two are more difficult because they’re about being; they require emotional self-awareness and courage. Listening to and changing conversations with ourselves to make them more constructive and selfless is hard. Treating fierce conversations as the heart of any of our relationships can change everything. Are you ready for that? Is now a good time to start working on these? If so, a good way to start is with a copy of Susan Scott’s book.