Two Things Leaders Don’t Say
When I launched my career as an executive coach in the fall of 2001, I had some terrific training. Interactive workshops designed to prepare me to facilitate peer group meetings and conduct one-to-one coaching sessions got me started at a high level. I had half a dozen different mentor/trainers during that first year; all of them were outstanding, and the one who stood out most was Ole Carlson.
Ole didn’t just teach me how to coach; he also stressed the importance of understanding the inner game of coaching – watching and listening for words, expressions and body language that conveyed the emotions the client was feeling.
He would say, “Listen for ‘f-words.’ That’s where the real issue is. That’s where you should probe.” By “f-words,” Ole meant words that expressed the feelings the client was experiencing.
Ole also stressed the importance of “staying eye to eye” with my coaching clients. He’d remind me that I’d be working with people who had achieved a high level of success, and it was critical that they saw me as a peer. This meant that I needed to see myself as their peer. Ole’s advice doesn’t apply just to coaches. It’s important to all of us that we stay eye to eye with our clients, peers and our bosses.
There are two phrases that I hear or see in emails at least once a month that shout, “We’re not eye to eye. I am not your equal, O mighty one.”
Over the years, seeing these phrases in writing or hearing either of them has become a pet peeve of mine. Both are used when the writer or speaker is making a request or asking a favor. Here they are:
- The first is the phrase “Thank you in advance,” used as the complimentary closing of an email message. It sounds lame to most readers and makes the writer sound helpless. Don’t use it – ever.
- The second begins with the words, “Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to…” Why do people who write these words assume that I’m busy? What difference does it make? I’ve even blogged about how not busy I am. Just saying, “Thanks for meeting with me,” is enough.
If I’m right about these phrases, what are the risks of using them? I can think of two.
First, you appear weak.
If it’s the first time you’ve spoken with someone, you’ve made a poor first impression and potentially gotten the relationship off to a bad start.
Second, you may not get the results you wanted.
What’s the lesson for leaders? If you have to ask a favor, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable. Get over it. Ask, and when the person responds, say thanks just once, and mean it.