No Sweat’s Commencement Notes
We’re nearing the end of commencement season, the time of the year when colleges and universities across the U.S. invite people who have achieved more than 15 minutes of fame to take to the dais and share words of wisdom with newly minted college graduates.
I asked No Sweat Kosinski what he would say if he were invited to give a commencement address. Here’s his reply.
Mikey,
I’d love to score an invitation to give a commencement address. Since most commencement speakers are selected because they’re politically acceptable to the faculty and the idiot fringe of the student body, they’re not likely to tell the graduates what they need to know. Here are six points I’d emphasize in my address to the Class of ’14 before they turn the tassel on their mortarboards from right to left, seek their first real job and launch their careers.
1. Time for a reality check.
You’ve lived in a surreal bubble the last four years. It is as different from the real world as a game of goofy golf is from 18 holes at Augusta National. Unless you take a job at a university or in government, you’re entering a world where results matter and you can actually get fired for underperforming. You won’t “earn” a B just for showing up, Sparky.
2. You’re not special.
Despite what your helicopter parents tell you, you’re not special. If you’ve been told you are, someone is blowing smoke up your dupa. In the world of work, you’re special only when you prove you can outperform your peers.
Employers recruit new crops of freshly tasseled wannabees year after year after year after year. These new buds pop up like the spring perennials in your mom’s garden. Consequently, unless you have a relative who owns a company, or one of your parents is rich or famous, sprouts like you are a dime a dozen and no one’s gonna hand you a job.
Successful jobseekers get interviews by being assertive, and assertive people don’t make passive requests for interviews via email and sit on their duffs waiting for a reply. One of the great things about Microsoft Word is that it allows you to customize your resume to fit the requirements of the job you’re pursuing. That resume you crafted with the help of someone in the career office at the beginning of last semester won’t cut it.
3. From now on, it’s up to you.
You must perform through good times and bad. Regardless of the promises politicians make and the laws they pass, there will be a recession every eight to 10 years. Your parents can’t fix the bad times for you, and unless you can deliver a lot of campaign dollars or votes, pols won’t help you either. What matters most is your ability to perform—to create value beyond what it costs to keep you employed.
4. Speak the King’s English.
Would you want someone who sounds like Bill or Ted to talk to your customers? Remember that no intelligent sentence ever began with the word “Dude.” Sounding like a guy in a beer commercial won’t get you promoted. Remember also that it doesn’t take a college degree to drop F bombs; any dumb sh*t can do it. Until you’ve proven that you can carry your weight on the job, you haven’t earned the right to use profanity. And even then, I wouldn’t advise it. Last of all, never forget No Sweat’s Corollary: “The likelihood of your success is inversely related to the number of times you use the word ‘like’ in a sentence.”
5. Not all degrees are created equal.
Some degrees require a lot of hard work and some don’t. You know which kind you earned. So will your employer and your peers. That course you took titled “The Music of The Who and The Rolling Stones” may have earned you three credit hours of A, but it didn’t teach you jack-sh*t about critical thinking. And due to grade inflation, the A you scored in macroeconomics probably didn’t require as much effort as the C that I earned in the same course 40+ years ago. You’ll need to demonstrate that some actual learning occurred while you were at State U.
Learning doesn’t stop just because you’ve received a diploma. Go back to school part time. Take courses that teach you to think. Sharpen your reasoning skills, your writing skills or your speaking ability. Make yourself a more valuable employee.
6. Any job is better than no job.
I understand that entry-level jobs for new college graduates are still scarce. If you can’t find a job worthy of your degree, take a job, any job, even that job that was just posted at the cash register in Starbucks. Not only will you earn a buck, but it’s better for you than sitting at home all day long playing video games. Best of all, you’ll learn something.
There are life lessons to be learned on any job, even minimum-wage jobs. And when you go for that first interview for a real job, don’t be shy about telling them where you work. Do you think you’ll score points with the person conducting the interview when you explain, “I’ve been working at a job that doesn’t require a college degree. I took that job because I’m not the kind of person who can sit around doing nothing, and I knew that I could learn some good lessons, even in a low-paying job.” Be ready to back up this statement by answering the question that any interviewer worth their salt will ask next: “What are some of those lessons you learned?”
So there you have it. Feel free to forward my thoughts to your local college deans for their consideration.
Happy graduation,
No Sweat